071709 The Solution to your Problems!


I normally don’t write much on here, but I think this post warrants special exception.

I post to you today not as a professional photographer, but as a salesman, as a mentor, and as a visionary… follow my tale below for a special insight into the fantastic world of professional wedding photography and the potential for both you and it therein.

#1. Are you tired of boring stuffy wedding ceremonies where everyone is silent as the efficient or religious official is delivering the solemn edict uniting two separate people into the united sanction of holy matrimony? Nary a cough escapes the silent congregation witnessing the blessed event as the vows are exchanged and the oath spoken that no man may put asunder. How boring, right? Why doesn’t someone liven it up, you say? Where is the merriment, the levity, the mirth? Find out below…

#2. How many times have you been in the following predicament? Your boss is praising you for all of your accomplishments that allow both he and you to deliver the most top-notch service in your industry. In fact every customer expresses the same exuberant sentiment… Folks, my service is photography, but this sentiment applies to all vocations! You know the feeling… everything is going magnificently and both you and your employer are on top of your game. Your coverage is complete, stunning, and impressive enough for the wedding party to lose their balance in fainting spells as they view the unparalleled astounding imagery from your trusty Canon… but something isn’t right! Secretly you feel like perhaps this is too much positive feedback! Perhaps the compliments and congratulations aren’t deserved. Within you lies an uncomfortable feeling of unjust arrogance at the praise and congratulations that you receive by delivering award winning imagery and wedding portraiture so consistently while still surpassing the expectations of the bride, groom, family, and guests day-in and day-out week after week. It just isn’t right, you say! How can I repay both my boss and the people of this blessed event and show them just how special and unique their event is?!?!?! Find out below…

Friends, I cannot give you a single magic bullet that will allow you to do all of these things. But I can relay a tale for you of how I overcame these problems in my recent wedding this past Friday. If you think about it, both the stuffy old ceremony and the accolades in the area of wedding photography have quite a bit in common for the wedding photographer!

This past Friday night I was, once again, graced by the opportunity to assist the one and only David Ziser on his most recent wedding. As was customary, I showed up impeccably dressed and exuded that certain “je ne se qua” that sets David Ziser Photography apart from every other photography studio under the sun. The uncompromising Marc, also DAZsisting tm, was in rare form as he held the Zumbrella tm, the Zray tm, extra lenZ’s tm and the wedding schedulZ tm.

From every angle and every fleeting Zexpression tm David, Marc, and I masterfully delivered unparalleled wedding coverage for our bride, Grace, and everyone lucky enough to be invited to this prestigious event at the fabulous Phoenix hotel in downtown Cincinnati Ohio. Overjoyed, the entire wedding party gleefully followed David, Marc, and I from the sun-dappled archways of Garfield Park to the elegant marble staircases of the Phoenix as portrait after portrait beamed off the camera boasting exemplary lighting, composure, and composition. In fact, by the time we got to the processional, I must admit that I was starting to feel the pangs of guilt I have mentioned earlier in this post. That’s right, to provide only such amazing photography seemed almost insulting to this fine family. They deserved more! They deserved a truly memorable ceremony! And the stage was set…

As we began the processional I recorded video of the event on the Canon 5D Mark II as David had the honor of photographing the Bride’s maids and the bride as she entered. She was more beautiful than any before her! David, Marc, and I retreated to the back of the ballroom as to be as unobtrusive as possible for the solemn event when a magical thing happened.

Just as the bride and groom were exchanging the rings I did it. I, in one singular action, both created the most memorable ceremony for everyone in attendance and humbled myself like no other wedding photographer before me… I backed into a fire door and set off the fire alarm. Yes… I know what you are thinking. How could this modest man of average background single-handedly forge such a comprehensive solution to the two main problems facing wedding photographers today!?!?! It was easy. Just like divine intervention, it was as though my bum had a mind of it’s own. I simply thought, “I’ll back out of this Panorama David is taking.” And there it was… the solution… divinity… suddenly this was the most memorable moment of the most memorable day of hundreds of people’s lives; a singular perfection in uniqueness. Suddenly there was nothing that any of the nine infants and toddlers in attendance could do that could create a worse consequence than I had already created. None. I single handedly #1. gave Chris, the groom, the opportunity to escape. #2. prevented anyone from giving a reason the beautiful couple shouldn't be married, #3. absolved any parents from the fate of saying “I’m sorry my child ruined your wedding!” and #4. set a precedent becoming the “You’re that guy!?!/You’re the guy who…/Watch out for fire alarms!” guy that livened up the stuffy old wedding Jerry Lewis style.

In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that I AM a genius, a selfless proponent of the individuality of weddings, and a meager proponent for tighter screws on fire door push bars. I want to express my gratitude for Chris and Grace who’s wedding was so notably “enhanced” Friday and Marc as well as David Ziser who notably didn’t punch me in the throat during the remainder of the “relatively” uneventful spectacular gala that transpired as I relegated myself to the banal job of providing beautiful, perfectly executed wedding photography for the remainder of the event. I love you all.

Despite my offer no one wanted me to perform my encore, which was a dazzling three flight pratfall down a marble staircase.


This is the actual scene of the crime. The family had this image taken to put in the album.

2 comments:

Michael said...

There is only one appropriate response to the situation. This: http://tinyurl.com/ywcjqt

mooreclick said...

This definitely makes me feel better about dropping a lens mid-ceremony. Where everyone turned around in super slo-mo to stare at me.